If there is one thing that is certain, life can change with a blink if an eye.  And how do we survive?

Is there a mountain?

Is there a mountain in your day for you today,

Something you have to do, or fail?

Someone difficult to meet perhaps and get along with,

Someone you see as a task, that person who just doesn't fit?

Someone no longer there, who cannot be seen or touched,

Whose absence from your day makes things a little too much?

If life a hill for you today, a slogging upward path,

Where you'll count your steps one by one, and then take two more back?

Is it pain that saps your willingness, is it fear, embarrassment, or worry,

Makes the day ahead a little too steep to set out on in a hurry?

Or Debt, that wall of glass too sheer, too slippery for a foothold,

Hangs there like a frosted fog that chills you with a numbing cold?

Maybe today is just one more day on your solitary lonely trek

That bereavement, divorce, or just not being loved is the test?

Each day is a maze of questions, a confusion of zigzags and choices,

We all look up some mornings wishing we had easier options.

The trick is to not see the mountains, the trick is to know in your heart

What the world needs is for you to be in it, and each day is a brand new start.

Your path is the way up the mountain for you to find and to share,

The hills we climb are inside us, they don't take us to just any Where-

Success or failure doesn't matter, it's not triumph or victory or glory;

Each day that place you come to, that you are there will be you Story.

-Tommy Randell

Thoughts on Representation and Privilege's

Representation is important. 

If we cannot see the faces of those like us, then we will never feel as though we truly belong.

But what is belonging?

Is it being considered a part of the binary scale that holds us all in place?

Or is it feeling content in the knowledge that we will never actually fit in a set place of society?

I wonder these things when it comes to diversity, and acknowledgement in the media, as portrayed in the variety of texts and videos we have seen throughout the semester. 

I also think about how privilege comes into play with representation.

As someone who is white, I have seen representation in the media. 

But I am overweight. I am queer. and I am conflicted on the thought of representation because I have seen my skin tone but not my body size, or my sexuality displayed without it being the butt of a joke in television, and film. 

I know I am privileged to see my skin tone reflected in barbies, in television endlessly, and throughout the media.

But I want to see cellulite, stretch marks, and scars the way that it hasn't been shown.

I want to see a relationship fully fleshed out, written as if it were "normal" in the eyes of society.

I don't want to be traumatized by the aspects of politics and religion that come into play when a character represents aspects of me that make me feel natural and welcomed. 

But I also want others to see themselves on screen as I have, even if there needs to be more work done on the subject. 

I pray for the ability to see all aspects of people in the media. 

Refreshed, and nourished in the eyes of Hollywood so that children can experience diversity and representation more than I did in my childhood. 

I wonder if it will ever happen, or if the church will forever disregard the feelings of those they condemn because they do not understand, or do not have the capacity to try and understand. 

Speaking out gets you hate, and hurt, and I don't want that anymore. 

But I do not know how to go about representation and diversity. 

I do not know how because I was born with the privilege of looking semi-normal.

There is this underlying fear of what normalcy is because I can fake it but I cannot be it.

I can try to shut out the world with whatever substances can numb me from real life.

Or I can face them head-on and be an outcast even more so than I already am. 

How do we project representation in the world if we are scared of how the world judges us?

We can say we don't give a shit that we are rejected but what does that even entail?

We all want to belong in the eyes of society to some extent, but what does it mean to break that down and face it head-on?

We want representation, but when we are represented it is with stereotypes, and typecasting that makes us all look like one entity that the world is scared to look at.

So how do we go about breathing, living, representing, for the children that come after us into this desolate world?

I don't know, but I would like to find out so I can feel something positive for once in my life. 

The First Academic Queer Oriented Poem I Ever Wrote

 If home is where the heart is then we're all just fu—

At 14-years-old,

I stood on top of the strangest man-made building I'd ever seen.

It was the city’s staple,

flocks of tourists gravitated to it,

and strung up on the highest point of it 

in contrast to the grey sky,

was the brightest rainbow flag.

I thought,

“they would never do this back home.”

A day later the skies had cleared and I was sat on a patch of grass not far from where I stood before.

I watched curiously as people strolled past on the path in front of me,

some carrying the same flag 605 feet above me,

some carrying flags I had only ever seen reflected back to me on a computer screen,

most carrying a sense of carefreeness I had never felt.

My brother, his wife, and their daughter sat behind me,

I didn't notice that another family had sat near us.

With them, they had a child the same age as my niece.

I turned around to see that my niece had ran over to the other child as her ball rolled in that direction,

the child picked up her ball.

I rotated my body around to observe the 2-year-old conflict more,

“give the ball back” one parent of the child warned in a singy-songy voice.

The child handed the ball back and ran back to his parents.

His parents.

His parents were two women—

my sister-in-law exchanged the glance with them that parents who are strangers exchange when their kids interact out of nowhere,

and that was it,

and I had never felt more safe in my life.

I wondered if I would ever feel that safe back home.

A year later my brother and sister-in-law brought me to the same place around the same time,

the flag was once again strung up upon the building which I found less strange and more of a beacon of light.

Once again I sat in a field,

in the place of the family that sat near us a year ago

was a group of bare naked people

and another group smoking pot.

I still felt safer than I ever had back home.

-2016

Caps in the Air

 I am less than a month away from graduating college. It seems like these past three years of my life, including nearly three full semesters during quarantine, have flown by and changed me in so many ways. Growing up in Casper, I always said that I would leave Wyoming as soon as possible. 

I went to the same middle school and high school as Matthew Shepard and had teachers and a father who knew him before he passed. All I knew of Laramie was the story of his death. In short, I was scared shitless to move to this town. My freshman year, in the fall of 2018, marked 20 years since his death. Someone offered me a memorial armband. I did not take it, out of fear that the town would turn against me, too. Now, I wish I had. Because the truth is, Laramie is far more safe and friendly for someone like me than most of Wyoming. In Laramie, I've had a queer boss and queer coworkers. In Casper, I was told people like me don't deserve a job.

Graduating early has its perks, I'll admit. But a part of me felt like I was missing out on some college experiences due to the pandemic and my quickened pace. I enrolled in this class because I hoped I could learn more about myself and my community. This class gave me more opportunities to be true to myself than any other class before this.

Thank you all for a great semester. I will think of this class when I see caps in the air in a few weeks, and will remember the lessons you have all taught me for a lifetime.

The Problem of Genderqueer Representation

Queer representation has expanded onscreen quite a bit through the past few years – pansexuality on Schitt’s Creek, asexuality on Sex Education, lesbians in Booksmart. Representation has been praised online as important, especially positive representation that normalizes and actively includes queer people.

These representations are one way of making it easier for queer people to come out. Being able to point out characters that represent ourselves is important. Some shows even provide fantastic re-usable metaphors for the way we experience our sexuality – Schitt’s Creek provides a great metaphor for pansexuality: “I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense?” But as great as some of these representations are, they often fall short when it comes to genders outside of the binary.

Despite great queer representation for sexualities, the representation for non-binary and genderqueer individuals is distinctly lacking. When they are portrayed, it is often by cisgender individuals, written badly, or both. In the few examples that it isn’t, the queerness of their character is often brushed aside or not acknowledged at all.

Before the third season of Star Trek: Discovery was released, Star Trek released a lot of press saying: “Discovery Introduces First Transgender and Non-Binary Characters”. This press release was very exciting, especially as it billed Blu del Barrio (a non-binary actor making their debut on Discovery) and Ian Alexander (a trans actor known for The OA and The Last of Us). But despite being hyped up online, the actual representation displayed in the characters was subpar at best.

Blu del Barrio’s character, Adira, gets a small coming-out speech: “They’re fast. Um, ‘they.’ Not… not ‘she.’ I’ve never felt like a ‘she’ or-or a ‘her,’ so… I would prefer ‘they’ or ‘them’ from now on.” Their speech is accepted, their pronouns are used throughout the show with no misgendering, and overall, it’s a nice ‘coming out.' Despite this, though, the actual issue of gender never comes up again, and although Ian Alexander’s character was billed as trans*, it is never acknowledged, and his character doesn’t get to interact with anyone other than Adira. As exciting as the first nonbinary and trans* characters in Star Trek were, the writing and portrayal fell short when it came to representing them onscreen.

Another show aiming high for representation was 2020’s Deputy. One character, Deputy Bishop, has a gender discovery journey throughout the first (and only) season. Bishop is played by Bex Taylor-Klaus, an out nonbinary actor. Bishop gets a few scenes throughout the show that alludes to a genderqueer identity – first, in episode 7, they say: “I need to be me. I’m getting closer, every day, to exactly what that is. But for now, I know, I’m not all woman.” Bishop uses the word nonbinary, has a few coming-out scenes, but perhaps the best one is to their boss.

Bishop shouts their coming out to their boss and the world on the side of the road: “It’s over, Sheriff. The veil has been lifted! Doc took a look, wrote a little F on my birth certificate, and ever since that moment the whole world has viewed me as a woman. … I’m not a woman, but I’m not a man, either. Something other than those two. My gender is non-binary. I’m not she or her, or even him. I’m they and them. Those are my pronouns.”

As great as Bishop’s coming out scene is, the unfortunate issue with these two issues of genderqueer representation are that they are both represented by thin assigned female at birth white people. While it’s great that these actors are actually nonbinary and representing themselves on screen, it’s unfortunate that the media is reinforcing the idea that nonbinary people are only AFAB and thin, white, with short hair and generally androgynous-looking. Representation is helpful for some, but for nonbinary people who don’t fit this mold, these representations are not enough to make genderqueer identities acceptable to the mainstream public.

Of course, we do have fantastic public figures that are working to change that image of the thin, white, AFAB nonbinary person. Alok Vaid-Menon, Jeffrey Marsh, and Jayy Dodd do a lot of activism, writing, and other work that shows that nonbinary people do not have to be androgynous, AFAB white people. But until media representation of genderqueer people catches up to the reality of actual nonbinary people across America and the world, we are stuck with good queer representation for sexualities, and mediocre representation for everyone else.

I'd like your opinion.

Do you trust Wyoming with queerness?

That is to say, do you think you or someone you love would be comfortable being openly queer in Wyoming? 

I want to know your feeling about the whole state. Laramie has already seen what happens when queer hate openly occurs, and has tried to turn it around, but what do you think about the rest of Wyoming?

Would you trust the town of Riverton with your queerness? The town of Gillette? Jackson Hole? Rawlins?

I don't mean to say that there are inherent places that should or should not be trusted because that is my personal perception of these locations, but do you think Wyoming is safe to be openly queer? 

Families

 My son got me watching POSE.  During one of the episodes they featured a quote.  And it meant something to me, and I wanted to share. 

“Blood does not family make.  Those are relatives.  

Family are those with whom you share your good,bad, and ugly,

and still love one another in the end.  Those are the ones you select.”

Hector Xtravaganza 1965-2018

Thank You

I will never know your name or your whereabouts at this very moment.

I may not even know your pronouns or the name of lipstick you were wearing when I first saw you.

But I know the impact you left on me that one fleeting moment I met your eyes and smiled at you.

I may not know what you were doing at that time and place for which you changed my outlook on life,

and probably will not know what you went through to stand as you were when I saw you,

But I know the bold attitude you had standing there in the corner of that restaurant. 

and I know that your tanned complexion popped against the lavender for which you painted on your lips.

I will remember that white and pink basketball t-shirt you were wearing,

and the cutoff jean shorts you wore with your unshaven legs bared for the world to witness.

I will remember your short quaffed hair, a warm brown shade that reminds me of a rich piece of chocolate.

The slight stubble of your chin that you embraced,

 the smoky eye that was blended to perfection up to your full dark brows,

And also the tall heels you strutted in when you finally walked outside into the cool summer breeze.

I will never forgive myself for not butting in when I heard hateful words thrown in your direction.

and I will never understand why I didn't do something when I heard laughter from the people I was with at the time.

I just want you to know, stranger.

That you made me want to live boldly, unapologetically, and fiercely. 

You made me use my voice for others in our community later on in life.

And you made me realize that identity is individual, and normalcy is overrated.

So thank you. 

Thank you for being yourself.

Thank you for showing me authenticity.

And thank you for making me realize I do not need to hide my queerness from the world.

You've made me strong, 

You've made me proud,

You've made me unapologetic.

You helped me realize I was not normal. 

And that I didn't need to be.

Subarus and Stereotypes

 In honor of me starting a new job working for a local car dealership, I figured it would be great to discuss something a little out of the norm this week: the Subaru. Subarus have quite a stereotype as being lesbian cars-- one of my coworkers even calls them "lesbian battle wagons." But why is this stereotype around? And are these cars as queer as they're made out to be?

In short, yes. 

In the 90's, Subaru released an ad (shown above) which was one of their first instances of marketing towards the LGBTQ+ community. As you can see, one of the cars has a rainbow flag bumper sticker. The other's license plate says "XENA LVR." Xena: Warrior Princess was a popular show that had a lot of lesbian subtext, very similar to Netflix's reboot of She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (don't judge-- you know you watched that kiss in season 5 too). So, each of these cars had references to queer culture which was a huge deal in the 90's.

Future ad campaigns included slogans like "At least we have our priorities straight," "It's not a choice, it's just how we're built," and of course, who can forget this gem of an ad?

Sure that ad might seem a bit like pandering. But Subaru didn't just put their money into gay ads. They also donated millions of dollars to HIV/AIDS research and several other causes. In a world where the LGBTQ+ community was still very, very far outside of the norm, Subaru's actions were bold and impressive. These "lesbian battle wagons" live up to their stereotypes thanks to decades of marketing and smart money moves from Subaru. 

Technically, A Poem About Aristotle And Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe

You

The cold wind is sharp on my face,

I'm standing there,

sucking on a halls breezer

trying to rid the shots of vodka I agreed to take last night.

After all,

I am just human.

I must remind myself I am just human

by tearing my liver and life apart.

I could beg for the wind again if it meant it'd erase the fact that this vomit is the most warmth I've received in a moment.

I am panting like a dog, nails digging into dirt and grass like the earth would come up my arms and save me.

Is it not human to be this weak?

Knees aching from the unforgiving ground, I can see the stupid fucking strawberry-flavored f*ck floating in the stream of my own demise.

Tears mixed with bile and vodka

how sad the earth must be to feel men fall like this!

Tell me, friend, is it not like a man to be this weak?

To sob and want to be desired?

To want to be removed from the dirt and held into health?

feminine fear (poem)

femininity for me

translates into fear

i only feel like a “woman”

when walking home

in darkness

keys clutched between fingers

arms tight to my chest

no one allowed to see the shadow of my breast

femininity

is too-tight dresses

squished around a body

made like barbie

but desperate to be something

more akin to ken

femininity is a costume

forced onto me

my body wishing for something easier to perform.

Those who came before

Pain

Every day I'm reminded of the dull pain of life. 

The knives that sink into my skin of words remembered.

The headaches from the pressure of conformation.

The razor edge I walk when I talk with strangers. 

But then they pulled the knives from my skin,

lifted me from their view,

and gave me confidence. 

They gave me the hope and steel to ignore,

the peace and mindfulness to be me,

and the footing to speak my mind. 

I thank these unseen Saviors, 

those that came before me and fought those who would harm me.

I can only hope,

I can do this for another. 

 Don't judge a book by its cover.

At first glance, you would see me as a white female with a decent job and someone who has their act together.  And to some individuals they would take that as "white privilege".  But honestly, that would be the furthest thing from the truth.

The truth is my skin might appear to be white, with a little tan.  My blood is mixed with several nationalities.  I'm Mexican, Indian, German, Norwegian and Sweden.  Not only that, it has taken me 40 years to get where I am at, and every day is still a struggle. 

I am a recovering meth addict who liked to drink.  I have been to jail several times and have 3 DUI's on my record.  I have 2 kids, one son who is about to graduate this year and one daughter who is in the second grade, with two different fathers.  My daughter doesn't even know her father.  He left us when I was pregnant.  He has never bothered to meet her and has never paid child support for her.

When my daughter was born, I had her taken away and put in foster care until I got my shit together.  And the dad to my son had restrictions put on me until I got my shit together.  I had lost everything including the trust and respect from my family.  

From that moment on, I have done nothing but work on myself and myself worth.  I worked hard go get my daughter back, which I did in record time (6 months).  Rehab was the best thing for me.  I had to work every day to earn back my families trust and respect.  I went back to college and got my Associates in pre-law.  Took a year off then enrolled at the U of W to work on my Bachelor degree in Criminal Justice. 

It has taken me 8 years to get where I am at today.  Every year got a little easier, but at first the criminal brain was there for a long time.  The urge to use and forget everything and everyone would have been so easy.  The love for my kids and family eventually took over, now there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.  

Addiction is not a choice, it is a disease.  A disease of the mind that doesn't just go away.  I am constantly keeping myself in check because if I don't I will fall and fall hard.  

So, when someone thinks I have it all, they have no idea that I had nothing and had to work for everything.  This was only possible with the help of my family and fully believing in my higher power to help me.

So, when I am judged at first glance I get a little defensive.  That is why, I will never judge a book by its cover.  I don't know their story.